AFC East
Patriots: Tom Brady - sure he has a killer smile, but Gisele is needy in the bedroom. Why do you think his leg broke so easily.
Jets: Brett Favre - he might be the hero now, but what happens when they miss the playoffs.
Bills: Trent Edwards - His name is Trent.
Dolphins: ???? - Try salsa dancing in the sand, with a Mojito in one hand. Not as easy as it looks.
AFC North
Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger - Jealous the Michael Jackson still is the torch bearer for the one glove look.
Browns: Brady Quinn - Oh, you mean he's not the starter? Whoops.
Bengals: Carson Palmer - When your bragging about shattering prison league stats you know it will be a long season.
Ravens: Joe Flacco - Recent ad in Baltimore newspaper: "Wanted tall, speedy man with soft hands. Will pay you to catch balls."
AFC South
Colts: Peyton Manning - So what if my career has disintegrated since hosting SNL.
Jaguars: David Garrard - I have no material to make fun of him. Shit. His life must be awesome.
Titans: Vince Young - My feelings are hurted, I need mama to lactate for me.
Texans: Their stadium doesn't even have a roof, not worth mentioning.
AFC West
Chargers: Philip Rivers - Physical resemblance to Ryan Leaf is striking.
Broncos: Jay Cutler - It's a known fact that nobody likes diabetics.
Raiders: Al Davis - This guy can fucking chuck the rock.
Chiefs: Is Tyler Thigpen actually going to start for them next week? hahahahahahahahahaha
NFC East
Cowboys: Tony Romo - WTF why does this girlfriend of mine get so much attention?
Eagles: Donovan McNabb - Fuck Pat White is about to pass me for rushing yards by a college quarterback.
Redskins: Patrick Ramsey - Possibly the worst draft pick in NFL history.
Giants: Eli Manning - Hey Peyton Peyton look, I have one too. Just like yours. Will dad let me back in the house now?
NFC North
Packers: Aaron Rodgers - Every sentence spoken about him for the rest of his life will include Brett Favre at some point.
Bears: Kyle Orton - Neck hair.
Vikings: Adrian Peterson - What? Somebody actually hands him the ball?
Lions: Jon Kitna - Gives Christians a bad name.
NFC South
Bucs: Brian Griese - Trips over dogs, a lot.
Saints: Drew Brees - What the fuck is this thing on my face?
Panthers: Jake Delhomme - Listen you fuck, "Del-home" its sibilant you fucking down syndrome piece of shit.
Falcons: Matt Ryan - I honestly do feel sorry for this guy.
NFC West
Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck - What do you mean Shaun Alexander was this teams bell cow?
49ers: JT O'Sullivan - Where did he even come from?
Cardinals: Matt Leinart oh yeah he's a piece of shit. Kurt Warner - Ugliest wife of a professional athlete ever.
Rams: Marc Bulger - What do you call the greatest show in a retirement home?
