Ah, the 49ers-Cardinals on Monday Night Football, a game you'll only be watching because it's football, and because nothing else is on. So, how are you going to enjoy this game at all? It's difficult I know. This is what I would suggest:
Drink heavily. This is how I choose to make anything interesting really. Make a drinking game out of things Tony Kornheiser says. For tonight's game, he's sure to talk about Kurt Warner's career and how incredible his revival is. For any time he does this, chug, or take a shot. I'll just go with the chugging. Brett Favre references and talk of TK's fantasy football team are always fair game too.
Also, this should be an old-fashioned shootout. Well, the Cardinals(5-3) will be scoring a lot at least. Kurt Warner's thrown for 381 and 343 yards the last 2 weeks. And if you haven't seen the Cardinals running back Tim Hightower, you'll be impressed. As for the 49ers(2-6), well, they're shitty.
Note To Self: Remember to not eat kung pao chicken before live blogs anymore.
Kornheiser moment: In my fantasy football league for money, I'm up 13 points, but the dude I'm facing has the Cardinals defense. He's projected to beat me by 2. Prove the ESPN fantasy nerds wrong 49ers. I know I can't count on Shaun Hill, so it's up to you Frank Gore: You're officially on notice!
Alright, here we go. As always with my live blogs, beware of anything that will be said after halftime or so, when I'll likely be drunk. Trippel from New Belgium and Budweiser are the drinks tonight.
I go to grab a beer, and I comeback and it's 7-0? What the hell? A kickoff return apparently for the 49ers! 7-0 San Fran... the shootout begins with a bang.
Dammit, Tirico just said "begins with a bang"! Ass!
Warner comes out firing to Steve Breaston(or Breast Tons as Fella calls him) for about 20 yards.
And it looks like Warner will probably top 400 yards by halftime.
Hightower reminds me of somebody but I still can't figure it out. I was really impressed with him in the pre-season and it took them long enough to make him the feature back. 12 yards on his 2nd carry.
3rd down for the Cardinals in the red zone, Warner with an awful throw, Rackers puts in a field goal. 7-3 49ers.
Fly... where are you? The Lohan will not let you in the bath unless you join the live blog...
Decent return for the Niners, but a personal foul moves them back to the 19 yard line.
Frank Gore running like he knows he's on notice for 8 yards!
WILDCAT! Michael Robinson on 3rd and about 1 for 5 yards.
3rd and 6, and the 49ers run a WR drag a few yards short of the sticks. Their fans will love that. Breaston with a great return and almost went the distance before he was JACKED UP.
Stomach... regretting... the kung pao chicken... must be drink faster.
Warner to Breast Tons for 5.
WILDCAT! Anquan Boldin runs for 2 yards.
Wow, Warner with a 5 yard wounded duck near nobody... followed by a pathetic punt from Dirk Johnson. The Niners might have a chance after all.
Another drag route on 3rd and long, but luckily for the 49ers there wasn't a Cardinal near the WR Jason Hill on this one, gain of something more than 8.
If the cornerback is looking, I probably just lost my fantasy game as it should've been a pick-6.
Incomplete pass to Jason Hill called on 3rd and 8. Samurai Mike challenges it and it should be changed to a catch. Welp, they called it an incompletion as he lost the ball when he hit the ground. Don't know about that call.
An Edgerrin James sighting! He gets his usual 3 yards. Next play TIP DRILL... fail. Pass luckily falls incomplete in between 3 49ers. Now a false start, 3rd and 12 coming up. Screen pass to Hightower dropped. The fans are booing. Very surprising 1st quarter.
49ers run a reverse on the punt return, handing off to the highest paid cornerback in the history of the league, Nate Clements who gets a nice return up to the SF 45. Kickass special teams play for the Niners in this game.
Gore for 25 yards! Notice working! End of the 1st Quarter, 7-3 SF.
The Cardinals really look crappy thus far. The NFC West is an absolute joke. Shit, the AFC West isn't much better if at all.
Singletary screaming at Vernon Davis again! Yes!
TOUCHDOWN SF! Flag down though... holding defense, touchdown stands. 31 yard pass down the right sideline by Shaun Hill. Great catch by the rookie Josh Morgan who recently made my sleeper pick of him look bad. Thanks for doing this now dickface. 14-3 49ers.
Steve Breaston is having a ridiculous night. He's been great on returns, now just caught an 18 yard pass, followed by a bomb from Warner for 46 yards on a diving catch. 4 catches 91 yards for the Cardinals #3 WR.
ANQUAN BOLDIN TD! That was quick. Boldin might be the best wideout in the league for quick slants, and just took one into the end zone from 13 yards out. 14-10, this is a fun game. And thank you to my week 10's best QB and WR picks for making me look smart for a minute at least.
The Cardinals D is picking up the tenacity. 3 and out for the Niners.
NO! Clark Haggans, former CSU Ram is hurt!
This Trippel is good shit. I'm pretty sure it's only available here in Colorado. It's from New Belgium, my favorite brewery in the world. Belgian style ale, and will get you feeling good fast, as it's 7.8 % ABV.
Breaston with the return gets hit hard, next play Warner hits him on the sideline for 15 yards. It's Steve Breaston's world and we're just lucky to be living in it. 5 catches 101 yards.
WILDCAT! 14 yards rushing for Boldin.
Breaston again 6 catches for 105 yards. New drinking game, every time Breaston touches the ball tonight, you chug. You will be plastered. I'm doing it bitches.
Fumble from Hightower. Nate Clements absolutely just ripped the ball out of Hightower's hands. San Fran recovers, but the replay clearly shows Hightower's knee was down. This will be overturned.
Anquan Boldin is an effing beast. Great catch, then breaks 2 tackles as he's catching it, then gets another 10 yards after the catch. I'd say the Cardinals are glad they didn't trade this guy.
A handoff to Boldin on 3rd and 7 when you have the best aerial attack in the league? Wow. The crowd disapproves. Field goal attempt coming from Rackers... good. 14-13 SF.
Hill is drilled as he throws, ball floating up in the air and the DE can't come up with it. Gore for 4 on 2nd down.
Designed run for Shaun Hill on 3rd and 11, dude is drilled a few yards short of the sticks, takes the hit while his helmet is knocked off, reaches over for the first down! Hill's got some balls and Singletary loves it.
3rd and 1, Michael Robinson lined up at fullback and gets the first down. Hurry up offense for the Niners, incomplete pass. 1:25 remaining in the half. I've gotta say, the MNF crew has been pretty good thus far. Kornheiser hasn't gotten carried away with anything yet. If he just acts like his PTI self, all is well.
Great throw from Shaun Hill on a corner route to Jason Hill for 24 yards and he gets out of bounds. Next play a deep ball into the end zone, could've been PI in my opinion. Singletary agrees... MOON THE REFS MIKE!
Gore for 9, clock running. 3rd and 1 nice pass for Hill to Bryant Johnson, gets out of bounds. 46 seconds left with no timeouts. Shaun Hill really is impressing, looks very composed and in control of this offense.
3rd and 10... Hill with a ridiculous throw into triple coverage to Vernon Davis for a TD! What a catch too! He gets an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty after the catch. Singletary's going up to him on the sidelines... HERE WE GO! Davis hugs him and Singletary's smiling? Wow, nobody saw that coming. 21-13 49ers.
The 49ers have to kickoff from their own 15 because of the penalty, great kick, ball bounces off some dude on the Cardinals and goes out of bounds at the 8. Geez. Now they'll just run the last 26 seconds out you'd think. For some reason they throw a pass on the first play for a few yards, makes zero sense. Then they just let the clock run. What a pathetic half by the Cardinals and their fans are booing. Halftime, time to drink some more.
Breaston with another great return out near the 40, the kicker Joe Nedney finally brings him down.
Just regular Ritz crackers I'm finding are fucking fantastic with beer.
Breaston is a machine! After Fitzgerald reels in a 9 yard grab on 1st down, Breaston catches a 19 yard pass. The Cardinals are going no huddle now and Warner's looking good. He hits Fitzgerald again, now a personal foul. We're already at the 14 yard line.
Warner 5/5 on the drive... they hand to Hightower on 3rd and 1, looks like he's just short.
Warner quick slant to Fitzgerald on 4th and 1, TOUCHDOWN! I think he hit Fitzgerald 4 times on that drive. Cardinals opt to just kick the extra point, 21-20 49ers.
Cards kick short since they were burned earlier, and this doesn't work out so well either. Niners return it to around their own 43.
3rd and 4 out of the shotgun, Gore runs a draw for the first down.
Vernon Davis just gave up on a ball in the end zone. If he just dives, he probably has it. It makes me think of Roger Dorn in Major League, "Whaddya want me to do, dive for it? It was out of my reach."
4th and 1 from the 24, it appears Mike Martz is yelling at Singletary to go for it, Singletary wisely disagrees. Mike Martz is a douchebag. Take the points. Fg good from Nedney, 24-20 SF.
NFL United Way commercials... I hate you.
Wow, Jessica Alba is playing a prostitute in an upcoming movie. If only it were real life, I'd pay top dollar for that. Anyway, we need to spice the blog up a bit and nothing does that better than Alba's sweet ass.
Warner passes to Boldin for 17, to Hightower for 4, to Hightower again for 8, Urban Cowboy for 19, and add a roughing the passer penalty to that. Warner is 9 for 9 this half.
Weird sequence here. Hightower loses 3, Warner is sacked, but offsetting penalties cause for the down to be replayed. So it's replayed, Boldin gets a huge gain, but is called for offensive PI. Jaws HATES it. Anyway, the Cardinals are now out of FG range and have to punt on 4th and 19.
A pick-6 for the 49ers! Well, it appears I'm going to lose huge game in my money league for first place. Son of a bitch. WAIT! OFFSIDES! HA!
Fumble 2 plays later recovered by FORMER CSU RAM CLARK HAGGANS! Well, I should've lost 8 fantasy points, just 2 so I can deal with it and still have a chance. I know you care too. 3rd quarter over, 24-20 49ers, Cardinals with 2nd down from the 7 yard line.
Offsides followed by a false start. Screen pass for Hightower, gets to the 5, flag down. Facemask, automatic first down, that's a huge damn play. Samurai Mike is sending whoever did that to the locker room hopefully, followed by another great press conference. Holy shit! Now the ref comes back out, "after discussion, there is no penalty". Guaranteed he has money on SF and just realized what he did.
The comedy continues! Flag down, then picked up. Why do you idiots throw the flag in the first place? Just go with your first calls, you obviously made them for a reason. Rackers puts in the field goal, 24-23 49ers.
Fly: I just got in from pint nite. It's good of us to chronicle this epic matchup. I see that a total of 47 points have been scored. I can only assume that it's been the product of a field goal and 22 safeties.
Everytime Frank Gore runs the ball, all I can think of is former ECW champion Rhino and his special move...yes...the Gore. Anyways, third and a long four as we go to commercial. My computer is running slow. I hope they have a commercial that has a way to make it faster. Finally....
HOLY SHIT! SOME DUDE JUST BROKE INTO SOME WOMAN'S HOUSE IN THIS COMMERCIAL! I JUST PISSED OUT ONE OF MY PINTS!!!
Clapp: I was wondering if I was the only one that got that reaction from that commercial.
Fly: Oh, the 49ers. Your name is a bunch of numbers. You suck ass. Dropping a sure first down and punting to Arizona. Is there anyone who really thinks that SF isn't going to lose this game?
I just saw we had a picture of Megan Fox as Wonder Woman up here at the Thigh. Damn. So much for class tomorrow.
Can anyone name 5 of the 49ers defensive players? Their most famous defensive player is their head coach...who was a Bear. This is like the French claiming Napoleon who was, indeed, Italian.
I'm tired of getting these cause invitations on Facebook. I hate everything. I'm not joining any causes unless that cause is an attempt to get rid of cause invitations. I'm also trying to find my waitress from the bar on Facebook. Is that creepy?
Anyways, nice play by Clements on Fitzgerald. The 49ers "offense" is back on the field. Must see TV.
Shaun Hill is working hard to throw it to the wrong team tonight. Finally, the refs allow it to stand.
Clapp: My fantasy team is still alive this week. I'm up 3 now, if that dude scores, I lose. This is incredible. CHUG BITCH!
If you're SF, you're not afraid, though. You have Shaun "Elway" Hill under center.
Clapp and I may be the only two people in America still watching this game. This is an awful, awful matchup. Southern Cal could beat both of these teams.
I've never been so miserable when watching a football game. I want to go to sleep. I'd rather sit through the extended version of Transporter 3 than watch another second of this game.
Clapp: Fly just sent me a text , I guess his computer overheated. Okay, this is pretty incredible. I'm up 1 point now in my money league. Please for the love of God just run the clock out now Cardinals. I've never seen a game with so many penalties, and certainly not a game with this many penalties called and then changed.
Cripes... Arizona will have to punt after Hightower loses 4 yards. Like my buddy Topher is telling me, "Hopefully they don't throw an INT on a hail mary." I will not be happy. I can live with 1 sack as I would tie, but cannot have a fumble or INT.
Meanwhile, Frank Gore is dead after Jason Hill gets a 10 yard reception and gets out of bounds. 57 seconds left.
Hill to Hill again at the 15 yard line! 52 seconds left.
And Hill to Hill AGAIN, to the 3 yard line! The clock is running, Niners finally spike with 20 seconds left. Flag down. You know they'll pick it up. INCREDIBLE THEY DO PICK IT UP THIS IS A JOKE!
This is one of the most incredible games I've ever seen. Gore is barely touched, but can't keep his balance, stumbles to the 1 or 2 yard line. Hill spikes it with 4 seconds left. Unbelievable. They're reviewing the previous play, but Gore was certainly down by contact.
Gore down at the 2 and a half yard line. Clock running with the blow of the whistle, 3rd down.
They give it to Michael Robinson and he's stopped short! GAME OVER, CARDINALS WIN! I cannot believe this. AND I WON MY FANTASY GAME BY 1 POINT! FUCK YEAH!