Suck-city USA (and Canada) | Sharapova's Thigh

Suck-city USA (and Canada)

Posted by Poorly Acquitted | 11/11/2008 08:08:00 PM |

Several months ago ESPN allowed the American people to vote on Titletown USA. Valdosta, GA came out the winner.

That got me thinking: What is the opposite? Who is Suck-city USA?

Sadly I knew the answer before I got started.

After the Phillies won the World Series I was again inspired to post this even though I knew the grizzly truth.

I set out to determine what city is Suck-city USA. What city has gone the longest without winning a championship?

Let me briefly set out the criteria I used:

1.) I took every city in the US and Canada currently hosting at least one team in either the NFL, MLB, NBA and NHL.

2.) I added up the time since each team in each city had gone without winning a championship. This gave us the Total Years category.

3.) I then divided the Total years by the number of teams in the "4 majors" each city hosts to get the Average Years.

4.) I then averaged the Total Years with the Average Years category. This gave me the Suck-i-Scale for each city.

5.) As an editors note, some cities used to host teams (i.e. New Orleans Jazz, Seattle Metropolitans, Minneapolis Lakers, etc.). If the city hosting that team has a current team I used the years of past futility and tacked them onto current futility where applicable (i.e. the Minnesota North Stars drought was tacked onto the years the Minnesota Wild has gone without winning a Stanley Cup).

Before I start. Philadelphia would still only have the #2 ranking in this competition had the Phillies not won the 2008 World Series. Without further ado I give you the top 5 in the Suck-City USA Competition.

5.) Milwaukee / Green Bay

Total Years: 101 Average Years: 33.6 Suck-i-Scale Ranking: 7

Oh Brett Favre where have you gone? Its been 12 years since the Pack last brought home the Super Bowl. For the Bucks its been 38. The Milwaukee Braves and Brewers have combined for 51 years of futility. I know the cities aren't exactly next door neighbors, but I thought Wisconsin should be included in this competition. It's a tough time to be a cheese head, but at least Billy Brewer is a fantastic mascot.

4.) Buffalo

Total Years: 88 Average Years: 44 Suck-i-Scale Ranking: 6.5

Buffalo hosts only two major franchises: the Bills and the Sabers. I was recently in Buffalo. This city is dying. It is really feeling the harsh effects of the so-called "economic crisis". The city has been oh so close to sports glory but they remain title less. Buffalo has never brought home a major sports championship. Between the Bills 4 straight Super Bowl losses and the Sabers’ losing game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals on a goal that should have been disallowed, this city has experienced plenty of heartache on the road to suckitude.

3.) Houston

Total Years: 104 Average Years: 34.2 Suck-i-Scale Ranking: 5

I was shocked to see Houston this high on the list, but the city on Galveston Bay suffers from a dearth of championship pedigree. Despite being a charter franchise in the NFL, the Oilers didn't bring home a championship for their last 30+ years of existence. The Texans have been no better. The Astros / Colt 45's franchise has never won a championship and has been to only 1 World Series. It's been 14 years since the Rockets back to back NBA titles. Yikes.

2.) Washington DC

Total Years: 137 Average Years: 34.2 Suck-i-Scale Ranking: 3

I was also pretty surprised to see DC way down here. And for those of you wondering, I did separate DC from Baltimore. The numbers don't lie though. The Capitals have never won the Stanley Cup in 35 Years of existence. Both eras of the Washington Senators and the Washington Nationals have resulted in 2 lost franchises (to Texas and Minneapolis respectively) and 54 years of MLB doormathood. The Nationals have a beautiful ballpark though. The Bullets / Wizards / Fighting Gilbert Arenas' have seen little success since the Wes Unseld days. Even the days of Mark Rypien and Art Monk seem cast asunder.

1.) Cleveland

Total Years: 144 Average Years: 48 Suck-i-Scale Ranking: 1

I'm sure you can do simple math and realize that a Suck-i-Scale Ranking of 1 means that Cleveland has the highest total and the highest average. A dubious distinction. If you like being a loser Cleveland is the sports city for you (and me, yippee!!!!!!!!). The Browns sport the city's last championship: 1964. That ended a run of 7 championship game appearances in 11 years. The Browns have never made a Super Bowl. The Indians' last title was 1948. They have Willy Mays (Over the shoulder basket catch; 1954), David Justice (1996) and Tony Fernandez (It was a routine mother fucking ground ball you piece of shit; 2001) to thank for this. The Fighting LeBron's have never brought home the NBA title.

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