January 2008 | Sharapova's Thigh

Rules are for Fools, not for Spurs

Posted by Poorly Acquitted | 1/31/2008 11:04:00 PM

None of here at Sharapova's Thigh like rules. Like many men that like beer, ladies...and their thighs we think that rules are meant for breaking. Well despite the previous statement there are some rules that belong intact. Prominent among these the statutes of the National Basketball Association. I mean fuck, David Stern is an attorney for Christ's sakes. By Christ's sakes I do of course mean Yahweh's sakes since DS is of course Jewish. A couple summers ago DS sat down with his minions and had the following conversation.

DS: Sup minions?

Minions: Sup DS?

DS: So last summer I told my employees that they needed to stop looking so thugalicious and more dapper. Kinda like me.

Minions: Fo shiz DS.

DS: Time for the next step toward professionalism. I want to eliminate flopping.

Minions: Sweet Dawg.

DS: Word. I want my players to stop belittling my striped employees. Especially Bavetta. You know that Dick used to love slappin bitches.

Minions: I hear that Donaghy guy is classy too.

DS: My final act of awesomeness for the summer is that I want players to stop jumping into defenders to create fouls.

Minions: Nice.

The following summer.....

DS: I freaking rock the world.

Minions: DS we have some questions about your new rules.

DS: Screw you.....ok go ahead.

Minions: Mostly your rules work, but......

DS: Spit it out you gutless bastard.
Minions: Ginobili flops all the time. He's like my wood.
DS: Wait that doesn't make sense.

Minions: Personal problem. Ginobili falls over all the time, he sucks. Let me show you some film.

(film runs)

DS: Wow he does flop a lot.

Minions: It's rather obvious sir.

DS: But dammit look at those threads. Plus I love Timmy D's tattoo. Ignore all of the flopping done by Ginobili. Stern wills it!!


DS: What about these other 'issues'?
Minions: Well sir this one also applies to Ginobili and Tony Parker.

DS: Fuck. Spurs again, you know how much I love them......I mean continue.

Minions: Well sir its just that they hurl themselves into defenders all the time. It's not fair. Plus they fall down and act like whiny bitches, it's obnoxious. Look at the film.

(film runs)

DS: Fuck me running, you appear to be correct again.

Minions: It's disconcerting sir.

DS: Well fuck it, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

Minions: Excuse us sir....?
DS: What's this last concern my little bitches? I'm nearly late for my massage.

Minions: Tim Duncan yells at the refs a lot. It makes us feel bad for our striped brethren. He's a mean one, screaming all the time. Plus suspending Crawford was a little harsh.

DS: You guys are schmucks, Crawford is an idiotic, elfish old baldy. Timmy D is the face of this league if I need to cheat to get him championships I will. Look how classy he is.

Minions: His beard looks like pubic hair.

DS: So?

Minions: It's cheating, and blatantly.

DS: You are all fired, now leave me and my Popovich poster alone.

Got Something You Think We'd Like?

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/31/2008 09:15:00 PM

Send us an email at sharapovasthigh@gmail.com.
I'm not going to guarantee it will go up(that's what she...or he said), but there's a good chance if it relates to the content of our blog. It's hard to keep up with everything going on in the world of sports, entertainment, booze, the ladies... and their thighs. If there's a topic you think we should cover, tell us. Want to hear what we think of a trade? We can. Want us to make fun of every player involved in a trade, and their families? We can. Want us to shut up Skip Bayless? Actually, we can't do that, but we wish we could. YouTube videos are certainly something we're looking for, but preferably newer videos(Yes, we actually have seen the Janet Jackson Super Bowl nip slip).

Johnny Drama: Not A Thigh Man

Posted by Bz | 1/30/2008 09:49:00 PM

Having started a blog that involves sexy women we decided to go to an expert, a regular Dean Martin in the Hollywood circuit. When we couldn't get a hold of him we decided on another man of many circles. We asked Johnny Drama what he thought about Sharapova. He had this to say: "Ya know, she's an athletic chick. I dig that. Makes a man know he's gotta work harder...in the sack. And personally, I like a challenge. I remember when I did a spot on the pilot of Friends. Everyone was overboard for Aniston. I mean, she's cute and all, but that Kudrow was the one you want to bang. You could tell she had this thing where she'd ride like a jackhammer. The weird girls are always the freakiest. Don't get me wrong...I'd definitely let Jennifer fuck. She's got a great, tight little ass on her. Same goes for Sharapova. But the thighs...they're all mechanical...just for holding on to the horse. There's no aesthetics there. The foreign look is in now, though. So she's got a few things working for her. Great rack, too."

I guess we'll have to take his word on the subject, however much we might happen to disagree with his thoughts on thighs. Also, he did note that Sharapova has "fucking phenomenal calves."

We're officially showing up on the Google search engine

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/30/2008 08:59:00 PM

So that's cool I guess. I searched "Sharapova thigh" and we were the first result. So, any people with thigh fetishes have a good chance of finding us when you consider that Maria Sharapova is one of the most popular searches on Google, especially for horny men. We welcome all crazy pervs. Giddy up.

I decided to check if we had anything up on Yahoo's search engine, and it doesn't appear that there is. However, I came across this, which was put up 4 days ago on "Yahoo Answers": Adjectives that describe Maria Sharapova's thighs?
I know it's a big world, but still, weird.

Jennifer Garner Hated Life During Alias

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/30/2008 02:58:00 PM

For some reason this cracked me up:
Former Alias star Jennifer Garner has revealed the misery caused by the show's punishing schedule.

Speaking to Australian newspaper The Sunday Telegraph, the actress recalled an emotional visit to see the programme's showrunner J.J. Abrams: "I just cried and cried and cried and said, 'Could I just come in late one day or could I go home early one day? I don't even need a whole day off, but I think I'm going to crack."

"Alias made every decision for me," she continued. "I didn't even have a lunch break during the first two years. Every lunchtime somebody would be there to teach me a language or teach me to fight."

Garner, currently starring in the US box office smash Juno, added: "One of the great things about Alias being over is that now I can do things just because I want to."

And I mainly posted that article so I had a reason to post this picture... Chalk up another one for the spank bank:

A Few Things...

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/30/2008 10:03:00 AM

First off, thanks to everybody that's checked out the blog. We greatly appreciate it and hopefully you'll keep coming back. We're all new to blogspot, so we're still figuring what we can do with this site.
I'd like to give a big thanks to Chris Althoff for making our bitchin "Sharapova's Thigh" graphic that you can see at the bottom of the page. You'll also see that graphic as a clickable link on myspace and other websites that we frequent by the way... not that you care. Chris is a photoshop and graphic design wizard, unlike the 4 of us currently contributing to this site. So, we'll probably be begging for his assistance more than Rosie O'Donnell begs Golden Corral to stay open 24 hours.
As I mentioned, there's 4 of us now on the site, and I think we're gonna stay at that number for a bit. "Poorly Acquitted" is our newest contributor. By the way, as I'd hope you can tell, I'm the only one currently that has my real name on this site. That might have to change. Maybe I'll go with Clapp, Clapper, MC Hammage, MC McDamage, Shithead, Mike Hunt... Maybe I'll let you guys decide. 3 days in and whatever possible professionalism our site could have is already out the window. There's a surprise.
I felt like there was something else I wanted to say. Oh well. Peace.

So I lied. We're going with 5 contributors for now. Deal with it.

So I lied again. 6 contributors. I'm not making anymore guarantees, but I think we're stopping here.

Send Jumana, not Ason

Posted by Poorly Acquitted | 1/30/2008 09:42:00 AM

So there are rumors that the Denver Nuggets are in the "Jason Kidd Sweepstakes". Let me put this rumor to rest right now: The Nuggets need Jason Kidd like I need a spiked bat in my ass. Forget for a moment that this will never happen because the Nets couldn't possibly want any of the "pieces" the Nugs could offer and Rod Thorne is pretty smart.

Jason Kidd shoots like a teenager hopped on a 40 of Mickey's. I'll take a crap-flinging Chimpanzee in a 3 point contest versus Ason. Most nights I'm convinced that the Nuggets wear blindfolds while shooting based on their field goal percentage. It's not freaking rocket science.

To review, the Nuggets don't want Ason. However any gentleman would gladly take Kidd's former wife: Jumana.
I mean look at her and tell me you don't want to play a quick game of pocket pool. I know she's no Maria, but she still makes me think of new uses for ice cream scoops, the reverse cowboy position and a bale of hey. If you're not turned on by now remember how Ason cited "extreme cruelty" in filing for divorce. Do you know what extreme cruelty means? Jumana wore the pants in the relationship. Jumana likes it crazy which means I likey Jumana.

Abrams Doesn't Fuck Up Cloverfield

Posted by Bz | 1/29/2008 09:02:00 PM

I'm sure I'll get lampooned for this but I'm saying it...I hate Lost. Seriously, this might be the most ridiculous show on television. If you miss just one episode you'll be living up to the title of this show. It's like Abrams had six other people write a portion of the screenplay without looking at each others at any point. Polar bears? Weirdo natives who speak English? Only two chicks worth throwing a Slim Jim at? The show should have lasted one episode: they fly in a plane, it crashes, and they all die. The End.

That's kind of similar to Cloverfield, actually.

You've had over a week to see the movie so I'm not concerned about spoilers. Anywho, Abrams was right on the money with Cloverfield. It's one of the best American monster movies I've ever seen. And I don't think I need to tell you folks to suspend your disbelief; it's a monster movie. This idea didn't seem to relate to the fucktard behind me who kept bitching that "if they've used the light on the camera this long the battery should be out." Perhaps the guy just happened to forget that there was a 50 story monster throwing a bigger fit that Britney Spears with an umbrella.

The monster didn't end up being an octopus or giant rat or whatever CF theorists out there predicted. It was like a composite of all monsters--like Abrams just ripped limbs from Japanese monster toys and haphazardly glued them together. Unlike most monster smash city movies, this one didn't focus as much on the big guy gutting the place. A good third of the movie was all character development...this seems to be Abrams' forte. It actually made me kind of give a shit if the people ended up being passed through along with a school bus or whatever the monster ate. Oh yea...I guess it bears mentioning that the camera shook...Oooooo!

All things aside, I will say that there is one particularly excellent reason to see the movie:

Odette Yustman. Her last name looks like it rhymes with "bust, man" which is what you'll do when you see her. I almost wanted to lick the rebar she had bursting from her chest at one point (not really...ok really). So in conclusion: see the movie, sit in the back row, expect unbelievable shit, don't wear sweatpants, and don't watch "Lost".

The Mess That Is Cold Pizza, Errr..First Take

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/29/2008 09:37:00 AM

Dana Jacobson doing her best Kyle Orton impression.

With our sports addiction, Rad and I sit around the condo watching First Take just about everyday on ESPN2. Have we really even liked the show… ever? I don’t know, but it’s live sports talk, and I need that more than Lindsay Lohan needs the booger sugar. Well I’m sitting here watching this now, and it’s really a hysterical disaster. It’s impossible to take Dana Jacobson seriously after her drunken, controversial scene at a recent comedy roast for fellow ESPN employees Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic, hosts of the radio program Mike And Mike In The Morning.
Still, however you view that(I don‘t condone some of the comments she made, but at least got a good laugh out of her chugging a bottle of Belvedere on stage), it still doesn’t compare to the crackhead Skip Bayless. If I had to choose between putting a muzzle on Hannibal Lecter, or Skip Bayless, I definitely go with Skippy. He’s still convinced that LeBron James isn’t good , his Cavs provide an “A-” supporting cast, and says that was the main reason they went to the finals last year. That’s all that needs to be said. It’s to the point where I’m convinced he doesn't really believe half the shit that comes out of his mouth, and just wants to rile up the other sports “expert“ he‘s arguing with. I’m sure we’ll be bringing more Bayless banter to the table in the near future…like tomorrow. Oh, and that Sage Steele is a bitch.

Let's Get The Ball Rolling With Some Props To Our Thigh Goddess

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/29/2008 04:14:00 AM

If you're a male, and the Sharpova-Ivanovic match didn't provide you with a pants tent, then nothing will.

Sure we like Maria mainly for that bangin' body, but she showed yet again that she's more than just a beauty queen with her dominating performance at the Australian Open. This was her third grand slam victory, with the title-winning match against another smoking hot chick in Ana Ivanovic. Unlike former tennis heartthrob Anna Kournikova(Who we still love and think about on a daily basis. Dump Enrique Iglesias, I can be your hero baby), Maria can really play and we love it. Just make sure to not get crazy with the weight training and keep that body tight.


Posted by Rad McDude | 1/29/2008 02:03:00 AM

NOT thighs supported by those here at Sharapova's Thigh. However, I am surprised by the ability of that couch of a fold out chair to support those grotesque fat receptacles called legs.

Welcome To Sharapova's Thigh!

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/29/2008 01:56:00 AM

If you're into sports, booze, movies, video games, music, tv shows, and of course, THE LADIES, then you've found the right place. Primarily, we want this to be a sports blog. We're all die-hard sports fans here at "Sharapova's Thigh", almost to a pathetic degree. We're underachieving dipshits in our early to mid 20's that have spent much more time at the bars than at class over the last few years. We're gonna weigh in on the latest news and rumors in sports. Some of it will be some serious analysis, and some of it will take a giant shit on the topic. As I already said, we're heavy drinkers around here that will be coming by with some legendary stories every now and then. We'll give you our take on the latest beers, movies, videogames, and tv shows that we encounter. You're also going to see some hilarious, and sometimes atrocious attempts at photoshopping(as you can see with the pic of Sharapova right above this post).

We'll see how things go for a bit, and certainly see what the reader responses are. Please, if you have any suggestions or complaints, either make a post on here or shoot me an e-mail at sharapovasthigh@gmail.com. We'd really like to hear from you.

Now, Let's Hug It Out Bitches!
Matt Clapp