We decided it with the amount of wipes. Here is our current system:
The 1 Wipe Dingle - a pretty good, solid dump...one of those where you walk out of the bathroom and say man, that was a really good one, I feel great.
The 2 Wipe Safety Valve - another good one, but a second wipe takes place just in case you felt it was necessary.
The 3 Wipe Uh Oh - not the best, but you've had worse. It's the one where maybe a co-worker is in the stall next to you, and you're pretty sure 2 will do...but maybe you felt one more was necessary. You perhaps eschew the 3rd wipe so as to not sound like a nuisance to the co-worker in the next stall.
The 4 Wipe Porcelain Cracker - trouble is a brewing. You easily finished that entire Sports Illustrated article, your legs are falling asleep, and you walk around with a not so fresh feeling for the rest of the day. Not to mention you cracked the toilet.
The 5 Wipe Massacre - your legs are completely asleep, there was no continuity the entire time, you're squeezing, pushing, and forcing anything you can to try and get yourself as clean as possible. Easily requires a shower at the first possible moment.
The 6+ Poopnado - Your digestive system is the tornado, and your butthole is the trailer park. These are the ones where you pray a bidet was nearby afterwards, because not only is a shower necessary, but some deep scrubbing and maybe even a colonoscopy to review for possible internal damage. Washcloths are most likely necessary for sprayback on your buttcheeks.
Hope you don't read this during lunch.