So as we continue our discussion on that joyous occasion you experience once per day (or perhaps more if you really dig your fiber, or none if you are sporting a one way ticket to the Constipation Station), I’ve realized that there are PRE-stages to dumping that might indicate what kind of wipe phase you can expect.
Let’s build on what we know about the wipe phases to introduce the Wipe Warning Levels. We’ll roll these out in DUMPCON 1, 2, and 3 levels, with varying warning signals that could push us up and down the scale.
DUMPCON 3 –“Don’t Worry About It”
This phase is where we experience most of the 1 and 2 wipe varieties. Warning signs include:
Bob the Builder- this is one that’s been building in you all day, and it’s a good strong poop, but there’s nothing overly dangerous or threatening about it whatsoever. You didn’t really see it coming, there wasn’t a horrible build up…it just sort of gently arrived in your colon and whispered “Hey friend, let me out, I’d like to take a swim.”
The Brewmaster- this is one that’s slightly more voracious than a BtB. You’ve felt it sitting there for a bit, and it’s packing a good wallop in your stomach. But…it’s kinda like drinking a beer for the first time. You know what you gotta do, and you know it’s going to be solid and lead to a great experience. The buildup might be a bit strong or contemptuous, but in the end, this was a fantastic dump that really made your day. The brews always do.
DUMPCON 2 – “Upgrade for Possible Concerns”
This phase contains some of the tougher 2 wipes and all of the 3 wipe experiences. Warning signs include:
The Metadeucil- we’ve had some massive buildup over the day, and you KNOW what’s coming. There is a possibility that your dump could leave something that resembles some form of prehistoric nomad’s mud hut. The reality of this one is likely coming from the fact that you haven’t taken a dump in awhile, and all of a sudden you had a bran muffin for breakfast and your body wants to rid itself of everything at once. We’re looking at a 10 minute experience here.
The Macarena- once you experience a dump like this, it stays with you for awhile, just like listening to The Macarena. Dancing while on the toilet is not suggested, though.
The Dumpsy’s Midnight Runners- this one comes out of NOWHERE, makes a big hit, and then disappears from your life forever…or at least until you attend a high school dance.
DUMPCON 1 – “We’re Under Attack”
This phase holds all of the 4 wipe, 5 wipe, and 6+ poopnados. At this point, we’ve got the reserves on duty, we’ve called in the tanks, and the generals are at the front barking out orders. Warning signs include:
The Fire Breathing Dragon- listen…we’ve all experienced this. And they are NEVER good. You knew it the second you felt it. You could lay down on a bed while performing these and fry an egg. You begin to sweat just thinking about it. And when it finally comes, it burns your butthole so bad, a fire extinguisher is not out of the question.
The Tommy Gun- watch out. This has a significant possibility of producing splashback as you rapid fire farts and crap like your anus was Al Capone. Armies could just pick you up and bend you over in the field of battle and watch you take people down left and right, as if it was a scene straight outta 300.
The Neverending Story- welcome to the morning after…as these almost always occur after nights of heavy drinking. These are accompanied by multiple thoughts of “how can I possibly produce this much waste?” or “I think I just crapped out the remains of that White Castle from my 16th birthday party.” They are BRUTAL. These can last up to 30 minutes sometimes, as the feeling that you need to crap just never goes away. “The Twins” or “The Double Header” can substitute as a name for this as well, since they are typically accompanied by an afternoon double dip.
C’est la poop.