To all Hollywood directors, both established and/or hungry to succeed… I have the offer of a lifetime for you. Cast me in your movie.
First of all, there is nothing unique about me whatsoever. I have no discernible traits, talents, abilities, looks, personality flaws, charm, or even a foreboding sense of dignity or self pride.
Imagine these nipples in your movie...and tell me you aren't getting steamy right now.
My acting experience, you ask? Absolute zero. Well, actually, I was once an extra on a football team in a C-list movie when I was in fifth grade, and I thought it was awesome that the set had a big bowl of free raisins. I was crapping pure fiber for four straight days after that. So keep in mind that if you hire me…I want raisins. And probably a personal commode.
I’m goofy looking, with nothing sexually appealing or physically dominating about my presence, figure, or stature. I’m not all that funny or entertaining, and tend to find people who want to be the center of attention (other than myself) to be most deserving of a good punch to the face or kick to the groin. I have no true selling point that will make any one person in America want to see me act, or even pretend to act, in your movie.
My name is an unyielding disaster for the marketing department, my desire to put up with Hollywood egos is less than nil, and I have a tendency to show up late to work if the desire to masturbate in the shower suddenly strikes.
I find Hollywood to be excessively fake, think it consumes way too much of America’s money and time, and actually would prefer if most movies, and actors, would simply disappear to allow a homeless guy to eat an extra meal with the funding we could save.
Hence, I believe I am perfect for this role in your movie, and think you should give me the opportunity without even bothering to bring me in for an audition, because I think we both know that is unnecessary and might even be a bit uncomfortable for the both of us.
I am a ball of your clay, a star in the bombing. I look forward to working with you.
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