Here’s what I’m thinking. I may have gotten too old to dig chicks anymore. It’s not that I don’t like women, it’s just that I’ve gotten too friggin’ old to discuss it. I’m middle-freaking-aged, married, and unsure I can string together any sort of relevant topical inspiration. Actually, I suppose I could…it would just be…you know…icky.
Besides, the last woman to get me emotional was Susan Boyle, so I’ve just got to believe we’re out of step. Doesn’t anyone freaking talk baseball anymore?
I mean…I get it. Some little tennis starlet comes up with a sumptuous body part, and Matty gets a beer can-induced idea for internet fame. I get that. But, why her friggin’ thigh? You know, I’ve had more than one person tell me that I’ve got an interesting tuchas, but no one is lining up to add “Rapp’s Ass” to the blogorati. I’m telling you right now, that I don’t like it.
It sets a dangerous precedent. Do we really want to be a world which celebrates the individual body parts of marginal celebrities? Are you really interested in reading the goings-on surrounding Bryant Gumbel’s Testicle or Liza Minelli’s Bunion? Hey…did you read that snippet in Geraldo’s Nose Hair, this morning? That was really something!
We’re living in dangerous times. It’s April, the McRib is nowhere in sight, the Cubs just lost to Jason Marquis, and it’s nearly freaking impossible to get a decent meal on a domestic airliner. Financial indicators and unemployment be damned…I want some drive-thru barbecue. Stop looking at these girls, and fill your yearnings with food…like a normal person.
This boy...this Clapp...he has you friggin’ buffaloed. He brought you in to talk sports, and sucked you into a perverse stew of baseballs, broads, basketballs, and bust size. It seems to matter not that Milton Bradley has a groin pull, if Ashlee Simpson shows up with a nipple slip. Kevin Garnett is going to miss the postseason? Big deal…Britney isn’t wearing her underwear again.
You guys need to focus.
So, here’s what I’m thinking. I may have gotten too old to dig chicks anymore.
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