18 Things I've Thought While Away From The Thigh | Sharapova's Thigh

18 Things I've Thought While Away From The Thigh

Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/11/2010 01:10:00 AM

As I explained a few days ago, I've been without my computer for a few weeks. I still am without it, but my roommate and awesome friend Toph is letting me use his(Applause).

While I've been away, I've had a ton of thoughts that I've wanted to share with you. I was going to post like 100 or 50 of those, but I've forgotten a lot of what's been on my mind over these last few weeks. Yes, heavy alcohol consumption likely played a major role in this. So, here's your nice, round number of 18 thoughts!...

1. The average age that a Geek Squad employee has sex for the first time, without paying for it, could not be lower than 35. That's also because usually there's at least one female working there, and as we all know, a girl can look like a rhinocerous and still find a guy that will take her for a midnight ride.

I mean seriously, have you seen these guys? You go in expecting them to be, well, geeks as the name implies. But it's -so- beyond that. Having said that(hi fellow Curb fans), some of these ubernerds will likely be millionaires by 47 and banging 22-year-old supermodels.

2. How can NFL coaches really be dumb enough to not know some of these players should've been starting in week one? Or by week ten at least? Did they not pay attention to anything in training camp?

I'm referring to players like Cleveland Browns running back Jerome Harrison, Kansas City Chiefs running back Jamaal Charles, Carolina Panthers quarterback Matt Moore, and Chicago Bears wide receiver Devin Aromashodu. Just some of a ton of examples I could use. Had these guys been playing to start the season, each of their teams might have an extra win or two. Instead, all of those teams will be watching the playoffs from home. I mean, yeah, there wasn't any hope for the Browns or Chiefs, but you get the point.

What's worse is that about every knowledgeable fan for those teams wanted all of those players to get significant playing time to start the season. Yet the coaches couldn't see it, or didn't have the stones to bench shithole veterans like Jake Delhomme.

3. Get rid of the 2008 American League leader in OPS, while getting Carlos "Are you gonna eat that?" Silva and Marlon Byrd as the return/replacement? Damn you Cubs. This is one of many reasons I drink heavily.

4. I'm done recording The Office on the DVR. Three years ago I never thought I'd say that, but man has that show fallen faster than Larry Johnson's career.

5. My favorite thing about going to LAX and the San Diego International Airport is without question going to the Karl Strauss bars there, and getting their amber lager. It's superb; highly recommended.

6. The Taco Bell "insider deal" commercial is the second-worst thing ever... behind their "drive-thru diet" crap. I would give them credit for having two hotties in that insider deal commercial, but then I remember that I've never seen a semi-attractive woman working at Taco Bell in my life.

7. If any critic gives Tooth Fairy over one star, they should immediately be fired. No, I haven't seen it, nor can you pay me anything under $20 to do so. It's the same way I felt after seeing the trailers for Fred Claus.

8. I'm absolutely THRILLED that my favorite athlete ever, and idol growing up, was just voted into Cooperstown. I'm of course referring to Andre Dawson. However, Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven not joining him is absolutely ridiculous. So much more ridiculous is turning in a blank ballot. Turning in a blank ballot should be a felony. Get off your high horses.

9. As a Cubs fan, I'm praying Dusty Baker will still be managing the Reds when Aroldis Chapman gets the call to the bigs.

10. Because I'm that big of a dork... as of right now, how I would rank the top four(I'm having a really tough time figuring out 5-12 or so at this point, so I passed on that) fantasy football players going into the 2010 season:

1. Chris Johnson, RB.
2. Adrian Peterson, RB.
3. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB.
4. Ray Rice, RB.

11. Usually I find such stuff obnoxious, but there's something about those winter boots all of the chicks are wearing these days that turns me on.

12. Church's Chicken is very good... but I'd still give the nod to Popeye's. Either way though, pants tent.

13. Tebow cam? This decade already sucks.

14. I'm 100% certain that Matt Millen would love to play "spin the bottle" with John Madden. Although in this instance, the game would likely be "spin that massive turkey".

15. I've only seen Kansas play once(at Temple), and that was enough to completely sell me on them being the best team in the nation right now. They're so damn deep. Every single player on their team seemed capable of being a star.

And yes, of course then I see this happened: Tennessee Upsets Kansas With Just Six Scholarship Players.

16. This tight jeans on guys fad must end now. I saw way too much of this in San Diego over the holidays. At least the pink popped collars seem to have disappeared.

17. New Year's Eve is like half of the days of the week to me... except everybody else is also shitfaced.

18. Is Rachel Bilson still engaged to that douche supreme, Hayden Christensen? This. Must. End.

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