Posted by Matt Clapp | 1/11/2010 11:20:00 PM | Hayden Panettiere, Wladimir Klitschko
With very limited Internet access over the last few weeks, I've been out of the loop with much of the news lately. But one story I did hear about, and immediately had to do a double-take upon hearing the news, was the report of actress Hayden Panettiere and professional boxer Wladimir Klitschko apparently dating. Whaaaaaaaaa? Has there ever been a more unexpected relationship in the history of the universe? The Mila Kunis-Macaulay Culkin and Rachel Bilson-Hayden Christensen relationships enrage me, but I at least understand them... sort of. This on the other hand: Um, hell no.
This cannot last long. Hell, it might not even last longer than your jerk-off session to the above picture of Hayden. Here's nine reasons why this relationship has about as good of a chance to be a success as Tooth Fairy...
1. They can't even pronounce their own names. How are they going to pronounce each other's?
2. Hayden is kind of hot(overrated in my book, but definitely a cutie). Wladimir on the other hand looks like a mix of the villain in The Mask and Janet Reno.
3. Hayden is 20 years old and just entering the spotlight. She's becoming a very popular celebrity, for her acting, singing, and sex appeal. Wladimir is 33, and not sure if you'd noticed, but the popularity of boxing isn't exactly what it was 15 years ago. And I would at least understand this a little bit more if Wladimir were American, but the dude's from Ukraine. Most people in our country have no freaking idea who he is, and sadly, most of our country likely has no clue what Ukraine is. Me thinks Hayden's been misinformed on Wladimir's celebrity status. Shame on you publicist!
4. Don't be fooled: Hayden is like 4'6". She's a midget, and not even a pudgy one at that. She must weigh 75 pounds. Wladimir is 6'6", 235 pounds.
5. Going along the lines of #1 and #4: Although I really didn't want to imagine this bedroom scenario, I had to for the sake of this list. What the hell are they going to yell out, and physically speaking, how the hell is this going to work?
6. Going along the lines of #4... again: One semi-jab from Wladimir is going to kill this girl. And it might not even be something he was meaning to do. These dudes are training nonstop and it has to be just natural to let a few swings loose at any given moment.
7. He looks smelly, and the fact he's always sweaty would only enhance this.
8. Hayden was that little blonde girl in Remember The Titans. Now doesn't this seem REALLY weird and disturbing? Well after saying that, now it feels REALLY weird and disturbing to think of Hayden as a hottie.
9. Again, his name is WLADIMIR! Come on Hayden. Your thigh needs some guidance.
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