Sucky movies about Sucking Monsters | Sharapova's Thigh

Sucky movies about Sucking Monsters

Posted by FlyAtTheThigh | 1/24/2010 11:30:00 AM | ,




Let's start with a fact: I've never seen a Twilight movie or read a Twilight book. I have seen episodes of True Blood, but it's not gay because I watch it with alcohol. Anything you do with alcohol, as long as it's not actual man sex, is not gay. Look it up.

I despise these vampire love story movies, Twilight being the big one. It is perhaps the most ridiculous premise of any movie not named "From Justin to Kelly". My understanding of these movies is that girl falls in love with Vampire. I know that's what happens in True Blood, at least, and my best guess is that sweet necrophilia is the number one theme in the Twilight movies. If it's not, well fuck me.

Sleeping with vampires is creepy. There's no two ways about it. Vampires are supposed to be dead. Dead! Nevermind the fact that sleeping with dead people is weird, but how does a dead body, which purportedly no longer have blood pumping though it, maintain an erection? Huh? How does a vampire maintain an erection!*

*Personally, I think that vampires would be perfect spokesmen for Viagra, although that would continue the creepiness.

Next, let's take a look at it economically. There's a basic supply-and-demand problem that comes with all of these vampire lovers. If corpses start to steal away the ladies, then what's next for people like me? It's more than a little bit emasculating to see corpses getting more action than me to start with, but then when you add the fact that these corpses are demonic creatures who live by eating other people...and they're still more desirable than me...that's a recipe for ritualistic suicide.

When I was a child a billion years ago, people were scared of vampires. It was a big thing to dress up as to scare people. Now it's a device to score on match.com.

And spare me this nonsense about how it's the fantasy aspect that is so attractive. Winnie the Pooh is fantasy as well and I don't see a bunch of eligible women begging to be 'stuffed with fluffing' by a large, yellow bear.

In closing, I hate the entire concept of vampire love story movies/books/tv shows. They're gross on the surface and stupid when explored. If women want to be with the dead, go seek out Al Davis. At least you don't have to worry about him taking a chunk out of your neck. Unless you're Jamarcus Russell.

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