Graduation: The Jagoff Litmus Test | Sharapova's Thigh

Graduation: The Jagoff Litmus Test

Posted by FlyAtTheThigh | 5/08/2010 01:15:00 PM |




My mother received her Masters in Education today. Congrats and all that. I went to the ceremony to see her get her degree and hood and all that good stuff. This isn't my first graduation as a visitor or participant, and I've noticed a couple of recurring themes every time you get people around graduates. And everyone of these themes is indicative that society, as a whole, is doomed.

Seriously, next time you're at a graduation, just keep your eyes open for the following things:

Kids wearing baseball caps. Look, I'm not suggesting that you buy a new suit or even new clothes for a graduation, but can't you at least look presentable? It may sound elitist, but there's no reason to wear a Philadelphia Phillies baseball cap to a graduation. None. Even if you're only going to wear a t-shirt and jeans, take off your fucking cap assbag. Of course, wearing a Phillies hat anywhere pretty much makes you an asshole (and probably proud of it), so maybe my thinking is askew on this. Moving on.

Screaming at graduates. This is a two-edged sword for me because I don't mind the act of actually yelling during the graduation...but every time I've ever been to a graduation, the rules state to be quiet until all the graduates go through and then make noise. And, inevitably, the silence lasts three graduates and then the screaming begins. To what end? What is the point of making a complete ass of yourself as your friend or family member's name is called? The worst part is when the kid marching is obviously embarrassed by it. And, of course, the poor kid following either gets no applause at all or no one can hear his/her name being called due to the jackassery still going on as people scream and yell and tweet and whatever.

But the biggest jackasses of all are the people who allow this to go on. It happens every year and yet nothing ever changes. Why not just allow for the screaming? Encourage it. That way, everyone gets their applause and we can just move on. If it's a rule that you cannot or will not enforce, do away with it. I dunno. I've always been a guy who hates the Asshole Enabler as much as the Asshole. In this case, Clapp is the enabler of my asshole...wait...that doesn't sound right.

People leaving before the thing ends. This is just disrespectful and, again, blatant flouting of the few rules given at a graduation. Making a fuss and leaving after your loved one is called is not only a distraction, but pretty bleeding classless. Even worse...after the graduates are called but before they leave, someone getting up and moving out in front of the procession. The fucking procession!! This is like using the funeral procession to run red lights.

Inevitably, it's a large woman who is the culprit of the pre-procession dash. I'm not talking about merely a large person, though, or even a morbidly obese one. I'm talking Gigantor. A woman who has lost things in herself. You know the type. She's flying out of that graduation like a bat out of Hell. Where do you have to be that's so important as to jump in front of graduates?? And more importantly, if you're capable of moving at this speed, how did you get to be the size of the Hindenburg or Prince Fielder?

The mace. I don't know if all schools have such a thing, but here we have some sort of special mace that leads out the graduates. It's held by a guy wearing fancy white gloves and purports to be of some significance. I think the University would like you to think that it's kept it a glass air-tight case year round, protected by lasers and under constant scrutiny. My guess is that it's thrown into the President's closet and dusted off the day before. But the reason it really pisses me off so much is because I really just want to grab it and swing it.

Anyways, I find myself fixated on these points every time I go to a graduation and every time I get a little more agitated. Thankfully, I think I am done with graduations until my kids graduate...and, to my knowledge, I have no kids. And let's be realistic, what are the odds of my offspring ever graduating from anything?

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