This is why drugs are bad... | Sharapova's Thigh

This is why drugs are bad...

Posted by FlyAtTheThigh | 5/24/2010 02:34:00 PM

Alright, dear reader. I understand that you have come to expect a certain level of amazing writing from this site. I mean, Pulitzer-worthy almost sounds like it's not good enough to describe some of the stuff we throw up on here. So this next piece...well, it may blow your freakin' mind.

At work, a co-worker and I have a running battle as to who can make fun of the other's face more. What she didn't expect is for me to be able to write an episodic adventure about her...so I give you, dear reader...



For SG

THE ADVENTURES OF UGLY FACE!

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Episode 1: TV MA for Graphic Imagery

[The scene: a talk show set. Set up around a small, round coffee table are two chairs. Over the table is a small monitor. In one chair is prominent talk show host, Allen Rene. In the other, a lady who is wearing a shirt with "UF" written on the front. Her face is blurred out using the same tech as one uses when a confidential informant is on the news. The host looks to be noticeably uncomfortable sitting across from this individual.]
[Allen Rene ("AR")]: And we're back. As promised, we are here with legendary heroine, Ugly Face. Ms. Face..

[Ugly Face ("UF")]: Please, just call me Ugly.

[AR]: (obviously confused) Okay...Ugly...you have become one of the most legendary vigilantes the world has ever known without the aid of any special ability, technology, or any recognizable advantage whatsoever. You've put away criminal after criminal without incident of casualty, injury, or even a struggle. The question everyone wants to know is...how?

[UF]: Well, it's simple Allen...it's my face.

[AR]: Your face?

[UF]: My face. It's so terrifyingly ugly that the simple sight of me causes criminals to panic or faint.

[AR]: Well...I guess. I mean, I'm looking at you right now and nothing of that nature is happening to me.

[UF]: Yet. But I've got my face in low ugly mode. Your makeup people spent hours on me backstage. There's essentially three layers of rubber between my actual face and your eyes. Though I've asked that my face be blurred out for your viewers. Some of the more squeamish might end up petrified regardless.

[Allen Rene nods along with the story, understanding her statement, seeing remnants of the ugly in spite of the makeup]

[UF]: (continuing) When I was born with this face, I used to curse at the Heavens. I had to ask how God could exist and create something this heinous. I mean, this face is the cosmetic equivalent of cancer, AIDs, terrorism, and Justin Bieber combined.

[AR]: Oh my.

[UF]: Oh yes. I used to rage at my misfortune. Until one day, a shoplifter came running at me. He was fully armed. No one was still conscious to stop him because I had been walking down the street, you know, leaving a trail of comatose people in my wake...

[AR]: Because of...your face?

[UF]: Because of my face. So it was up to me to stop him. I was getting ready to do whatever I could when he simply looked at me, screamed, and fell into the fetal position. After that, I realized this curse was a gift. That I could help people with this hideous, hideous face.

[AR]: Inspirational. And you've helped so many...

[Allen Rene reaches down to the table and lifts a small file.]

[AR]: A mere few months ago, you stopped one of the most devious lunatics this city has ever seen. The feared Spectacled Penguin.

[Ugly Face lowers her eyes, thinking about her incredible battle]

[UF]: The Penguin was difficult. She's blind as a bat, you know? She takes off those spectacles and my face is almost useless. It was only after trapping her in close quarters and forcing her glasses on that my face was able to subdue her. Thankfully, her only real goal this time was some ill-conceived plan to turn all of the world's apples into bananas, so she didn't do too much damage.

[AR]: A criminal without drive?

[UF]: Exactly.

[Suddenly, the studio lights flicker. The monitor over the table crackles and comes to life. A feed comes through to the monitor. It is obviously off-site and is being recorded with low grade equipment. A young man, with a remarkably un-ugly face, walks into view.]

[???]: That's quite a tale, Ugly Face. You're just a paragon of virtue, aren't you?

[AR]: Who is...

[???]: In due time. First, I just wanted to take Ugly Face down memory lane. 6 years ago, Ugly...do you remember 6 years ago? That face of yours was as ugly as ever...

[UF]: It cannot be...

[???]: We were walking through that chemical plant on a tour. Remember? We had those baskets filled with goodies that we were being allowed to throw into the vats and observe the chemical reactions. It was amazing...we got to watch science up close. It was the first time we had ever met, you and I. The chemical mask you were wearing kept me in the dark as to the true nature of the beast that was your face...and I introduced myself...

[AR]: Producers? What's going on here?

[???]: You turned to introduce yourself. I couldn't hear you over the mask. So you took it off. Remember? REMEMBER?!?! The sheer ugliness sent me recoiling back in horror, over the safety railing, and into a vat of toxin. Just me and my basket, Ugly Face...hero? HA! The ugliness of your face simply is a reflection of your soul.

[UF]: You...you died!

[???]: Only a part of me. I survived the trauma after months of physical and psychological therapy. It took even longer to get the image of your face out of my mind. But that day made me stronger...it showed me the worst of that face and I survived. At least...most of me...

[The man on the screen raises his right arm. Where his hand should be is nothing more than a basket.]

[???]: You can call me Basket Man. You ruined my life, Ugly Face. You cost me my right hand! Do you know how hard it is to go through puberty without a right hand??? Do you know how...backed up I got?

[AR]: That's inappropriate.

[Basket Man ("BM")]: HER FACE IS INAPPROPRIATE! BURN!!!

[Basket Man laughs maniacally at his little joke, then continues]

[BM]: I have trouble even wiping myself, Ugly Face. I have to hire an assistant to do that for me. I just call her ASSPAD. But I digress.

[Basket Man begins to look sinister.]

[BM]: I will not rest, Ugly Face, until you are brought to justice for your crimes against me. You must pay for what you've done to me. You claim to be an agent for good. In reality, you're simply a girl with access to a devastating power. You controlling that face is like North Korea having nukes after a round of drinks. You can't control it. And you will be stopped.

[Basket Man laughs again as he reaches forward to turn the camera off.]

[AR]: Umm...comments?

[UF]: Basket Man...how can he live...how can anyone survive that encounter....

[AR]: Falling into a vat of chemicals certainly would be devastating.

[UF]: No Allen. Not that encounter. He was four inches from my face. How could he have survived?

[Allen Rene sits quietly, not sure if the question is rhetorical.]

[AR]: Alright. We're going to commercial. Yea, we need to go to commercial. Thanks for being with us, Ugly Face.

[UF]: Basket Man...

[To be continued...]


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