Alright, I know there are something like 5-6 regular readers of this site. Those people probably all remember my scathing commentary on the Twilight phenomenon. For those who don't remember, here you go.
The new movie, Eclipse, has come out and is making a bunch of money and turning a bunch of impressionable young women into necrophiliacs. At work, several of the females have worked themselves into a tizzy of excitement over cinematic excrement. One of which has been trying to get me to go see it. That conversation generally goes like this:
Her: Come see the movie with us
Me: Um, no.
Me: Convince me.
Her: Because Edward and Jacob are so hot.
Me: How does that convince me?
Her: Oh, I thought you wanted my reasons. Do I have to have a different reason?
Me: Let's say yes.
Her: (Some version of 'because I want you to')
The movie is crap and I'm not seeing it. No no no no no. And I still haven't seen the first two. But what I am willing to do is to read the reviews for this new movie and then, without any background information whatsoever on the movies or their content, mock the review.
It's gonna be a good time. For me, at least.
From Entertainment Weekly:
The reason I chose this review is because the cover of the magazine states that it's the "Best Twilight Movie So Far". That really doesn't mean much to me because the statement is akin to stating that someone has the least bloody urine and praising that fact.
In Eclipse, adapted from the third novel in Stephenie Meyer's girl-power-meets-retro-Harlequin fantasy series, Bella now needs to be saved from no one so much as herself. She loves Edward so completely that her fears about his "otherness" have been all but dissolved.
Read: She's so lonely and desperate that she has completely given up her concerns about sleeping, you know, with a dead person. Vampires are dead, kids. Dead!
She can't wait to go over to the undead side, and to lose her virginity, too — though Edward, ever the gentleman, has other ideas. He'll agree to make her a vampire only if she marries him (he seems to propose about every third scene).
Apparently this Bella is a virgin who is refusing to marry the vampire? And she wants to sleep with the dude but he refuses to because they're not married? I've seen pictures of this Bella and she's nothing special...but I think that if I were dead, I'd be a lot less picky. Of course, dead people probably lose their sex drive. Much like married folk.
In Seattle, an army of fresh, hungry vampires — ''newborns'' — has gone on a rampage. Since they've only just recently been ''converted'' and still have remnants of human blood, they're more ruthless and insatiable than older vamps; their genesis may be revenge, but we can sense its ultimate effect — to destroy Bella and Edward.
Why? Why does anyone care to destroy this sexless couple? Of course, why does anyone care whether they are together or not in the first place? I hope this movie ends with the "converted" ripping both Bella and Edward into a thousand pieces and all the people in attendance immediately begin to vomit and cry, simultaneously. That's how Twilight ends in my America.
Now, let's move on to Jacob...
Prior to Eclipse, Jacob nurtured his crush on Bella mostly from afar, but now he emerges as a furious, literally hot-blooded rival for her affection. When she insists that she's with Edward, he narrows those dagger eyebrows and basically says: You love me — you just don't know it yet. Which is a little scary.
Yea, it's scary. Seems like a precursor to supernatural rape. Rape! Necrophilia! Twilight is basically a snuff film.
The Twilight movies, like the books on which they're based, are often mocked.
Anyways, EW gave this movie a B+. The cafeteria at work got a B rating and they serve food wrapped around cockroaches...which I think is the food equivalent of a Twilight movie.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Entertainment Weekly)
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