Retro Games: Adventures in the Magic Kingdom | Sharapova's Thigh

Retro Games: Adventures in the Magic Kingdom

Posted by FlyAtTheThigh | 7/09/2010 04:35:00 PM | ,

Adventures in the Magic Kingdom. Wow. I remember grabbing this game from Blockbuster and being really, truly excited. I mean, I was a kid. It was Disney World. What sort of kid doesn't love Disney World? Terrorist Kids, that's who. Terrorist kids.

The version of Disney portrayed on my eight bit NES, however, was about as close to a terrorist Disney as you can get.

Adventures in Magic Kingdom centers itself around searching for silver keys to get into the castle something. Apparently it takes 6 keys to open it up and I'll be damned if I could get them all. Maybe there was a fun game hidden inside the castle. Or maybe porn. Whatever. Allegedly the point was to open the castle so a Disney parade could occur. I assume the actual idea was to scare children away from riding anything other than the bleeding WEDWay People Mover.

The keys were hidden in various 'attractions'...that is to say, the levels were cheap rip-offs of actual attractions. Scary rip offs at that. Pirates of the Caribbean involves rescuing villagers from actual pirates. Space Mountain involved quickly choosing directions with the controller pad or else suffering certain death. Some version of the Disney Speedway is involved, but that level sucks as much as the actual ride. Cars on tracks, Disney? Really? Why would I wait in line to drive a fucking car along a fucking track? HUH!? For the length of those speedway lines, I should damn well be allowed to drive that car through the park.

*ahem* But I digress. The other keys are found by a trivia game, fighting through 999,999 ghosts in the Haunted Mansion...which was like Castlevania, but sucky, and choosing random tracks on the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Here's the thing about the latter: is there any way to dissuade a child from wanting to ride Thunder Mountain than to portray it as a ride that runs the risk of you slamming into boulders across the track? Is this the marketing angle that Disney wanted to take? "Come on little Starlin, let's go ride Thunder Mountain. If you choose right, it's a rip-roaring ride through the wilderness...but if you choose wrong, your head is going to be split open across a FUCKING ROCK!" I didn't ride Thunder Mountain until I was 15. There are no boulders across the track.

Although last time I was in Disney, the monorail did wreck and an alligator got loose in Splash Mountain. Maybe those rides can be included in the sequel to this train-wreck.

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