June 2010 | Sharapova's Thigh

Twilight Returns...and so does my hatred

Posted by FlyAtTheThigh | 6/30/2010 01:25:00 PM | ,

Alright, I know there are something like 5-6 regular readers of this site. Those people probably all remember my scathing commentary on the Twilight phenomenon. For those who don't remember, here you go.

The new movie, Eclipse, has come out and is making a bunch of money and turning a bunch of impressionable young women into necrophiliacs. At work, several of the females have worked themselves into a tizzy of excitement over cinematic excrement. One of which has been trying to get me to go see it. That conversation generally goes like this:

Her: Come see the movie with us

Me: Um, no.

Her: Yes.

Me: Convince me.

Her: Because Edward and Jacob are so hot.

Me: How does that convince me?

Her: Oh, I thought you wanted my reasons. Do I have to have a different reason?

Me: Let's say yes.

Her: (Some version of 'because I want you to')

The movie is crap and I'm not seeing it. No no no no no. And I still haven't seen the first two. But what I am willing to do is to read the reviews for this new movie and then, without any background information whatsoever on the movies or their content, mock the review.

It's gonna be a good time. For me, at least.

From Entertainment Weekly:

The reason I chose this review is because the cover of the magazine states that it's the "Best Twilight Movie So Far". That really doesn't mean much to me because the statement is akin to stating that someone has the least bloody urine and praising that fact.

In Eclipse, adapted from the third novel in Stephenie Meyer's girl-power-meets-retro-Harlequin fantasy series, Bella now needs to be saved from no one so much as herself. She loves Edward so completely that her fears about his "otherness" have been all but dissolved.

Read: She's so lonely and desperate that she has completely given up her concerns about sleeping, you know, with a dead person. Vampires are dead, kids. Dead!

She can't wait to go over to the undead side, and to lose her virginity, too — though Edward, ever the gentleman, has other ideas. He'll agree to make her a vampire only if she marries him (he seems to propose about every third scene).

Apparently this Bella is a virgin who is refusing to marry the vampire? And she wants to sleep with the dude but he refuses to because they're not married? I've seen pictures of this Bella and she's nothing special...but I think that if I were dead, I'd be a lot less picky. Of course, dead people probably lose their sex drive. Much like married folk.

In Seattle, an army of fresh, hungry vampires — ''newborns'' — has gone on a rampage. Since they've only just recently been ''converted'' and still have remnants of human blood, they're more ruthless and insatiable than older vamps; their genesis may be revenge, but we can sense its ultimate effect — to destroy Bella and Edward.

Why? Why does anyone care to destroy this sexless couple? Of course, why does anyone care whether they are together or not in the first place? I hope this movie ends with the "converted" ripping both Bella and Edward into a thousand pieces and all the people in attendance immediately begin to vomit and cry, simultaneously. That's how Twilight ends in my America.

Now, let's move on to Jacob...

Prior to Eclipse, Jacob nurtured his crush on Bella mostly from afar, but now he emerges as a furious, literally hot-blooded rival for her affection. When she insists that she's with Edward, he narrows those dagger eyebrows and basically says: You love me — you just don't know it yet. Which is a little scary.

Yea, it's scary. Seems like a precursor to supernatural rape. Rape! Necrophilia! Twilight is basically a snuff film.

The Twilight movies, like the books on which they're based, are often mocked.


Anyways, EW gave this movie a B+. The cafeteria at work got a B rating and they serve food wrapped around cockroaches...which I think is the food equivalent of a Twilight movie.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Entertainment Weekly)
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Chris Bosh is signing with... somebody.

The 2010 NBA free agency period begins this Thursday, July 1st. With superstars such as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh being free agents, the rumors of where free agents will sign are getting a bit out of hand.

Take today for example, with Chris Bosh. The 26-year-old power forward averaged 24 points and 10.8 rebounds per game this past season for the Toronto Raptors, and will surely command a max contract for his services. The Chicago Bulls, Miami Heat, and the New York Knicks are the three teams that are considered most likely to sign him.

Well today, there was a report in the New York Times that he, along with LeBron, are headed to the Bulls. The report even quoted an unnamed NBA executive saying that it's a "done deal":

But the meetings might not be much more than a formality. The executive, who did not want to be identified discussing a player who is not yet a free agent, said he had gathered from discussions with his fellow NBA executives that James was strongly leaning toward joining the Bulls in tandem with another free agent, Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors.

“I think it’s a done deal,” the executive said.
Link(New York Times)

(Side note: As a diehard Bulls fan, I pray this executive is right.)

Then comes this from Jon Rothstein(a talk show host for 1050 ESPN NY), saying that an unnamed NBA general manager says Bosh will be on the Heat:

Just got the phone with an #NBA GM who told me it's a formality @chrisbosh will sign with the "Heat...

"This has been planned for a long time," the GM said. "Chris is going to Miami"
Link(Jon Rothstein's Twitter)

What to believe?

There's going to be a lot of people that are very wrong about what they're more or less assuring will happen in regards to this free agency class. I guess when you're random, unnamed sources though, you can say whatever the hell you want.

As for the journalists and NBA "insiders" that have reported on the likely destinations of these free agents, we'll get a good idea of who has the better sources out there over the next few weeks. Some of them could lose quite a bit of credibility, while others will certainly gain much.

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Last year on the day Michael Jackson died, these two hatchet wounds were IRONICALLY writing shitty music. I was IRONICALLY in Disneyland, AKA Michael's hedonistic playground.

When I found out about MJ, I thought about making a shitty, self-promoting, unsentimental, shallow YouTube video. But unfortunately. these two beat me to it...

Please try to make it all the way through. It's so worth it. I did, and it put a little jump in my step on this beautiful Friday.

That was for you bubbles .....

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This may be all over the Internet by now, but I've been away from the computer for a few days and just saw it. So I'm putting it up, dammit!

It's a video featuring various reactions of fans around the world following Landon Donovan's goal in stoppage time to defeat Algeria, and send the United States onto the knockout stage of the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

If you're a fan of U.S. Soccer, this will likely give you chills. It certainly did for me:

Beat Ghana!

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Megan Fox is hot. There's little doubting that. She's not all that smart though. There's little doubting that as well.

The 24-year-old Fox has been with 36-year-old Brian Austin Green since 2004, and they are now engaged(again):

On-again beau Brian Austin Green popped the question to Fox, 24, June 1.

"Yes, she is engaged," her rep tells Us.

Green, 36, and Fox -- who next stars in Jonah Hex (out June 18) -- began dating in 2004 but called off their previous two-year engagement in February 2009.

Obviously Fox had a good reason(like maybe realizing he's a giant douchebag, or that he's 12 years older than her?) to call off the first engagement, but for some reason is right back at it.

Oh, and to the surprise of nobody, she lost the ring:

But in all the excitement, the happy couple somehow lost the ring, sources tell Us Weekly.

"I saw her jumping up and down," a witness tells Us Weekly of the beachside proposal at the Four Seasons Hualalai hotel on the Big Island in Hawaii. "Later, I saw a half dozen staff sifting through the sand."

Alas, the 2-carat sparkler, which the pair picked out together from Excalibur jewelry store in Beverly Hills, remains MIA.

"Security and maintenance staff spent a couple of hours looking for it," another source tells Us Weekly. "No one found it."

(Link-US Weekly)


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Carrie Underwood Provides Softball Thigh FTW

Posted by Matt Clapp | 6/11/2010 11:30:00 AM | ,

Editor's Note: I was in the middle of posting this a few days ago, but my computer went Milton Bradley on me. Better later than never though...

I know very little about Carrie Underwood. I just know that she's a country singer and really hot. The latter part is really all that I care about.

I do like that she apparently enjoys combining the elements of sports and hotness together, as we see here with these softball pictures and a lovely thigh visible. I'm not sure what celebrity/charity tournament it is, but I hope they invite Carrie back next year...

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There's never been a better television intro in sports than the "NBC on NBC" theme song, which is actually titled "Roundball Rock" from John Tesh:

I miss those days(probably because I'm a Bulls fan too). I enjoyed the entire broadcasts in general more than the ABC/ESPN ones these days, which is pretty sad when you consider how much more effort is put into the broadcasts with the significant improvements in technology and whatnot.

Oh well. Hopefully game four of Celtics-Lakers is a good one at least.

UPDATE: I was informed of a video with John Tesh doing "Roundball Rock" live, and explaining some background on the song:

Thanks to @jpstarkey on Twitter for the tip.

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This is one of the funniest videos I've seen in awhile, from the terrific website FunnyorDie.Com.

It's a trailer for the (fake) movie Wax On, Fuck Off starring Ralph Macchio. The title is of course mocking the famous line, "Wax on, wax off" from The Karate Kid, which Macchio starred in as Daniel LaRusso.

If you're a huge fan of The Karate Kid(not the new one, and no way I will see it) like I am, there's a few moments that you'll particularly enjoy. Anyway, this is brilliantly done... check it out for yourself:

I totally wish this were a real movie.

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Entourage Season 7 Trailer

Posted by Matt Clapp | 6/10/2010 11:40:00 AM | , ,

The seventh season of HBO's Entourage is just around the corner, as it premieres on June 27th. I'm not going to even try to explain where the show left off; it would take too long to give a plot summary(and quite honestly, I don't really remember off the top of my head).

What I will give you though, is the official trailer for the upcoming season. I have to say that if I were iffy on tuning in for the seventh season, this trailer doesn't exactly reel me in:

What do you think?

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It's your league, a huge night for the league with Stephen Strasburg somehow living up to the hype with a sensational debut, and "Stephen Is Believin!" is the best you've got? Cheese.

If any of you readers have a better headline(of course you do), feel free to share them in the comments.

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