Sharapova's Thigh

Showing posts with label Anna Benson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anna Benson. Show all posts

36-year-old MLB pitcher Kris Benson told Fox Sports' Jon Morosi that he is retiring. The right-hander was the #1 overall selection by the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1996 MLB draft, and put together a 70-75 record and 4.42 ERA over his big league career.

But, the big story here isn't about him. It's that this means we won't be seeing much more of Kris' hot wife, Anna.

Anna, a former Thigh of the Week, made headlines with something she had to say in Kris' days as a New York Met:

""I told (Kris) -- because that's the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time -- I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team -- coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."
"If I'm lining them up, I'll circle into other teams. Whatever team he's playing, I will screw all them, too."
Sounds like a real sweetheart!

With Kris out of the spotlight, it's likely Anna will be now too. So don't expect to see anymore hot pictures of Anna surfacing anytime soon. She at least provided us with these in the past though...

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Expect a good amount of the Rangers organization to get a taste of that thigh.

Well after I put so much effort(twenty minutes of writing!) into my "Dodgers/Players/Coaches/Trainers/Bat Boys Stock Up On Trojans" post last month, Kris Benson apparently is signing with the Texas Rangers:
The Rangers are expected to sign pitcher Kris Benson to a Minor League contract with an invitation to Spring Training, possibly this weekend. He recently threw for the Rangers and showed enough to be offered a contract.

So, it looks the Rangers are the ones that win the Anna Benson sweepstakes! I also spent a lot of time deciding the Rangers' thigh association on their "Where They Stand" article, and chose the manly Jennie Finch. I of course would replace that with MLB's sex queen Anna if I felt like going back and editing that post, but I don't.

Kris actually has a decent shot at making the big club. The Rangers' pitching staff has been God awful and if he shows he has anything left, he could very well wind up in their rotation. Therefore, you know the Rangers' players/coaches/trainers/bat boys are thrilled and if they're wise, will do anything they can to get Anna to cheat on Kris. I had Anna's quotes in the previous post about this I did but I know you won't go there, so here ya go:

""I told (Kris) -- because that's the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time -- I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team -- coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."
"If I'm lining them up, I'll circle into other teams. Whatever team he's playing, I will screw all them, too."
The formula seems pretty simple to me. You put him on the team as the #5 starter, even if his ERA's over 6, it's not much worse than their other options would be anyway. Hell, Jason Jennings went 0-5 with an 8.56 ERA last year for this team. Benson's not what he used to be and hasn't pitched in the majors since he had surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff after 2006. Still, his worst career ERA in a season is 4.82. That would look 1995 Maddux-like on this staff.

Then when he makes the team, he's undoubtedly going to want some celebratory drinks. You Rangers players take him out to the bar, get him about five shots of tequila and a few double rum and cokes. He'll be looking for the nearest vagine in no time. He goes and sleeps with that girl, direct Anna that way, and boom. You're all banging a super hottie.

Oh, and if he doesn't sign with the Rangers, I'm not writing another post about this. Well, maybe I will. Baseball + Hot Women= Pants Tent For Clapp.

UPDATE(2/21, 4:25 PM ET): Kris Benson has officially signed a minor league with the Rangers.

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"Stay in LA Manny... you'll enjoy it I promise."

The sexual, not USC kind of Trojans. The reason? The Dodgers had pitcher Kris Benson work out today, and with Kris of course, comes his wife Anna Benson.

Anna is the Thigh Goddess and Sex Queen of Major League Baseball. If you're in the league and you haven't gotten a taste of that thigh, what are you waiting on? If Kris makes the team, or just gets a Spring Training invite, people in the Dodgers organization must capitalize, and I'd definitely advise using protection in this case.

Anna, who was a Thigh of the Week and #12 seed in the 2008 Hot Ladies Tournament, has let it be known that if she finds out Kris is cheating on her, she'll do the same and then some:
""I told (Kris) -- because that's the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time -- I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team -- coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."
"If I'm lining them up, I'll circle into other teams. Whatever team he's playing, I will screw all them, too."

Kris Benson is crap these days, and likely not worth a roster spot. However, everybody in the Dodgers organization should be doing anything to get general manager Ned Colletti to sign this guy. Then, they've gotta get Kris drunk, and somehow get him to cheat on Anna. Then the fun begins. I really wish I played professional baseball, or was a bat boy even.

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Guaranteed Strikeout.

The “Super Platinum Sombrero” Award: Mark Reynolds. MLB Record 204 strikeouts for the 25-year-old Arizona 3rd baseman. I haven’t seen this many swing and misses since Screech Powers with Lisa Turtle.

The “Please Make A Team Next Year So We Can See Your Wife At The Games, Preferably In A Warm State So She Isn‘t Wearing Many Clothes” Award: Kris Benson. Kris is of course married to former Thigh Of The Week, and 2008 Hot Ladies Tournament #12 seed Anna Benson. We love her. Anyway, Kris was released by the Phillies in August and is currently a free agent.

The “It’s Time To Hang ‘Em Up, And Only A Few People Knew Who You Were Anyway” Award: Mark Sweeney. Tip of the cap to Gaddeus of "The Sports Fellas" for pointing these numbers out a few days ago: .130 BA, 0 HR, 5 RBI, 28 K, .413 OPS. Sure it's only in 98 at bats, but I'd guess half the pitchers in the league would do better in 98 at bats than the 38-year-old Sweeney. Now, with all that being said, I'm sure he'll play in the NLDS against my beloved Cubs and hit 3 game-winning grand slams.

The “Latrell Sprewell” Award: New York Mets. Choked... again. 7.5 game lead blown in the last 17 games last year, and another gigantic collapse this year, including the Marlins beating them to finish the season at home yet again. And they gave their GM Omar Minaya a 4-year extension? Yikes.

The “2 Years Ago We Would’ve Said ‘He’s On The Juice’” Award: Ryan Ludwick. Unlike wine, it's rare that you see an MLB player get much better with age. Ludwick, a 30-year-old outfielder for the Cardinals, never hit higher than .267, and never hit more than 14 homers in 7 seasons with the Indians, Rangers, and Cardinals before 2008. His numbers this year: .299 BA, 37 HR, 113 RBI, .966 OPS.

The “Spent Too Much Time Eating In-N-Out Burgers" Award: Andruw Jones, or "The Bust Of The Century". Just when you thought Barry Zito and his contract looked like a joke, along came Andruw Jones and his 2 year, $36.2 million deal. Andruw who looked incredibly out of shape for the Dodgers this year, hit .158, with 3 HR, 14 RBI, and a .505 OPS in 209 AB.

The “How Is His Arm Still Intact?” Award: CC Sabathia. So the Brewers got CC to get them into the playoffs, knowing that they are unlikely to keep the lefty who will be a free agent. And to say they've gotten as much as they can out of him would probably be understating it. Since July 8th, CC has made 17 starts for the Brewers, with each of his last 2 starts being on 3 days' rest. How he's avoided an arm injury, and better yet, how he's managed to go 11-2 with a 1.67 ERA in that span is absolutely incredible.

The “We Might Not Win A Game If Not For Our Lineup” Award: Texas Rangers. The Rangers led MLB in runs scored(901), hits(1617), total bases(2647), and OPS(.816) to just name a few. However, they had an unbelievably putrid MLB-worst 5.37 ERA, with the next worst being the Orioles at 5.14. They hit an mlb-best .283, but allowed their opponents to hit .288. They still managed to finish 2nd place in the AL West with a 79-83 record. Imagine if they could even pitch almost decently.
Honorable Mention: Detroit Tigers.

The "We Might Not Win A Game If Not For Our Starting Rotation" Award: Toronto Blue Jays. Near the bottom of the league in just about every offensive category, the Blue Jays put together an MLB-best 3.49 ERA. That's even more remarkable when you consider they play in the AL East. Their rotation was just filthy(as Poorly Acquitted let us know in May), led by Roy Halladay's 20 wins(I did a blog about him in July, yes, we're going to keep plugging our other blogs in this blog), followed by AJ Burnett's 18 wins, Jesse Listch's 13 wins and 3.58 ERA, Shaun Marcum's league-leading ERA for a bit before needing Tommy John surgery which will be keep him out for 2009, and Dustin McGowan who has no-hit stuff.
Honorable Mention: Arizona Diamondbacks.

The “If Only We Did This In The 1st Half” Award: Cleveland Indians. The Tribe finished the season 81-81, and will finish 7.5 games out. On July 9th, they were 37-53,and that had been with CC Sabathia as a part of the team through July 6th.

The “Douchiest Home Run Celebration” Award: Ryan Braun. Seriously what the hell was that? And don’t even get me started on the cheesy and quite uncomfortable(especially with Prince Fielder) "untuck 'em" crap.

The "Last Year Is Looking More And More Like A Fluke" Award: Colorado Rockies. Everybody questioned if it was a fluke while their magical run was happening, and it seems that the answer is yes. They dealt with plenty of injuries this year and are probably better than their 74-88 record, but you just don't go on runs like they did last year in baseball without a lot of help. Give them credit for it, no doubt, but they need to make some serious improvements to their pitching staff if they want to make the playoffs again anytime soon.

The “My Back Hurts From Carrying My Team To The Playoffs” Award: Tie between Manny Ramirez and CC Sabathia. 2 of the best mid-season acquisitions in the history of the game. Well, for the current season at least. The Brewers might regret it next year if they go home after the first round against the Phillies, can’t re-sign CC, and watch Matt LaPorta blossom into a star in Cleveland. At least 2 of those things will happen. As for Manny, just wow: .396 BA, 17 HR, 53 RBI, and a 1.232 OPS in 187 at bats for the Dodgers! The Dodgers were 54-54 when Manny joined the team on July 31st, and finished 6 games over .500 as NL West champs.

The "Possibly The Most Hilarious Season Of All-Time" Award: Seattle Mariners. It all started in the off-season with their trade of 5 players to the Orioles for Erik Bedard. Bedard ended up being trash for the Mariners, and the Orioles appear to have some very nice young players now headlined by Adam Jones. The general manger that did that, Bill Bavasi, was then fired in June.

A couple days later, he was asked about Erik Bedard not being able to go past 100 pitches in his starts: "You have to ask him and I know that's no fun. And he's going to have a stupid answer for you can count on it. He's going to have some dumb-ass answer..."He's either gassed because he's laboring. He's protecting himself because he knows even he sticks around and is mediocre he gets another 2 million bucks lopped onto his salary...Why doesn't he go longer? It's a real pointed question. But you need to ask him. And good luck with that." Aboslute gold.

Richie Sexson was released a few days later after he'd been a bust with a gigantic contract, and then manager John McLaren was fired on June 19th. It just kept getting better!

Anyway, the crappiness and drama continues all year long, and the Mariners finished with the worst record in the American League of 61-101. They were eliminated from the division race in August! But the best part of all as Bz posted about last Friday, was the Mariners team apparently wanting to "knock out" Ichiro.

The "Receiving Death Threats From Clapp If The Cubs Lose The World Series In Game 7 Unless It's Against The Angels" Award: Bud Selig and Dan Uggla. I'm sure they'll get swept by the Dodgers so this won't come into play, but if it does, well I blame it on the freaking All-Star Game decides home-field advantage crap. Bud Selig gets the obvious blame for being the dumbass enforcing this nonsense, and Dan Uggla for making like 35 errors in the game for the National League.

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In this intriguing first round matchup we have two ladies that have been stuck more than a Corolla in mud.

Jenna Jamesonjenna jameson
Well there isn't a whole lot I can say about Jenna Jameson that you don't already know....for a good portion of the past decade she has been the foremost sex icon in America, maybe even the United States. Hot Hot and Hot with side portions of skanky, classy, and sassy. Jameson isn't a term reserved for fine Whiskey.
Anna Benson


Our fearless leader named Benson Thigh of Week last month. Anna gave everybody all they need to know about her with this little soundbite regarding her husband: ""I told (Kris) -- because that's the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time -- I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team -- coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team." Ok, as they say in the south 'Nuff said.

Anna is not afraid to show off her thigh... especially to her husband's baseball teammates.

With Spring Training games under way, we thought it would be a good idea to give our prestigious "Thigh Of The Week" award to a well-known beauty in the baseball circuit. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Anna Benson, she's the wife of Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Kris Benson. Kris was actually the #1 overall pick by the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 1996 draft, and has had an average career at best.... but we don't care. We are still incredibly jealous of him. He gets to sleep with this wild and crazy sex machine every night.
In 2004, when Kris was a member of the New York Mets, Anna went on Howard Stern's radio program. Anna said that if she ever caught Kris cheating on her, she would sleep with literally anybody in the Mets organization:
""I told (Kris) -- because that's the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time -- I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team -- coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."

Stern followed with, " "Mike Piazza just did a back flip, even the coaches? What about, like, the bat boys?"
To which Anna replied, ""If I'm lining them up, I'll circle into other teams. Whatever team he's playing, I will screw all them, too."
Needless to say, every member of the Phillies is trying to get Kris drunk every night so that he'll cheat on Anna. And what really intrigues me, is the idea of her sleeping with all of the "Phillies Ballgirls":

1. Phillies Ball Girls… And will Anna Benson be one of them now that Kris is there?
2. It will be fun to see which fool tries to get away with juicing. I’m talking to you Neifi Perez.
3. Fuk U! Do Me! Fukudome mania hits Chicago. Additionally I have a reason for screaming “FUK”!
4. Can the Rockies show they are really as good as the September/October ‘07 Rockies?
5. How many text message death threats will Elijah Dukes send? Mark down at least one sent to himself having to play for that team. Yes, they are worse than the Rays.
6. Will Sammy Sosa make an appearance, and if so, will he remember how to speak English?
7. Dodger Dogs.
8. Beer.
9. Hot girls drinking beer in the sun, and playing with your Dodger Dog.
10. Johan Santana to the Mets. NL favorites? MLB favorites?
11. Can the Cubs end their 100-year World Series drought? (sobs)
12. Will Julio Franco make it through the season alive?
13. Will Joe Torre be dumb enough to start Juan Pierre over Andre Ethier or Matt Kemp in Left Field?
14. Will Barry be playing, and for what team… And will his head finally get stuck in a batting helmet?
15. How many times will Rick Sutcliffe show up drunk on a broadcast?
16. How many Phillies’ players will Anna Benson sleep with?
17. Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis on the Tigers. Can they overtake the Tribe in the AL Central?
18. Will Mark Prior pitch for the Padres, or will he fall down and hurt his vagina again?
19. What inning of the White Sox opening day game will Ozzie Guillen get tossed?
20. Will there be enough batteries in Philadelphia to throw at Pedro Feliz after every strikeout?
21. Let's see if Jim Edmonds gets charged with sexual assault this year with the Padres. Come to think of it...I don't think a Padre would mind.
22. How many games will Manny Ramirez fall asleep in left field? And in how many of those games will he hit a walk-off homer? The over/under is 6.
23. Will Dusty Baker finally die via toothpick? Watching the Reds play may finally do it...
24. Will Matt Vasgersian go to St. Louis when the Padres play there? Last year as the Padres play-by-play announcer, he said this when he thought the microphone was off… “[I've] had it with this place already... [about the fans] Get back in your El Camino and drive back to the ozarks... [faint] I'm done with this place. I'm so tired of losing here. It's hotter than shit. We get our asses kicked every time we come here. I'm not coming here next year.”
25. Will Jon Miller finally grow a pair and tell Joe Morgan to go fuck himself during a broadcast?
26. More actual sports highlights on SportsCenter.
27. Will the combined ERA of St. Louis' starting rotation be over/under Tony LaRussa's Blood Alcohol Level?
28. Ken Griffey Jr… how many times will he hurt his hamstring rounding third base?
29. Will Andy Pettite misremember what team he plays for?
30. Will Prince Fielder have a glove made out of beef jerky?
31. Watching me yell “THROW FUCKING STRIKES!” at the television during Cubs games.
32. After those massive contracts were given to Andruw Jones(Dodgers) and Torii Hunter(Angels), who has the better year?
33. Can the Orioles and/or Marlins win 60 games?
34. Can the bay area teams(Giants, A’s) win 60 games combined?
35. Will Josh Hamilton snort the chalk on the foul line?
36. No Stephen A. Smith.
37. Alyssa Milano promoting her clothing line.
38. You can get a front row seat to see Hanley Ramirez and Cameron Maybin play at a Marlins home game… always.
39. Aaron Harang’s arm… it’s gonna fall off thanks to Dusty.
40. Get to see Tim Kurkjian’s voice crack everyday on ESPN.
41. A-Rod… is he gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
42. There’s still a team in Pittsburgh. I’m serious.
43. Roger Clemens is finally done.
44. How far will Felix Hernandez and Erik Bedard carry the Mariners?
45. Watching Albert Pujols continue to tell us that he’s really not 46 years old.
46. No more Craig Biggio leaning across the plate to take one on his elbow armor.
47. Livan Hernandez… in frigid Minnesota, will he still carry around golf clubs to swing at senior citizens?
48. The NL West.
49. Seeing White Sox fans attack base coaches, and then being taken away in handcuffs.
50. Drunk heckling for over 6 months!